slacking off

The restaurant I am working at has a small storage room located at the basement parking area. It was a good 2 minute walk from the basement entrance. Its where we store some of our products. We can’t fit everything inside our kitchen.

When needed, I go down there myself. Sometimes, even when I dont need to, just to kill some time and slack off. I uses to play mobile games there, so no one could see me. Our restaurant often have dead times, so I need to find ways to pass the time until I get to go home.

Tonight was pretty uneventful. It was the weekend, so offices were closed. We don’t get much walk – ins either. I decided to go down the basement storage room.

I asked for the key and access card from our cleaner who usually is the safekeeper of it. He asked me what I needed down there so he could get it himself. I told him I’ll get it myself.

As I got out of the restaurant, I immediately grabbed my phone out my back pocket. I turned on the data and opened up my favorite mobile game.

I got down the basement using the elevator. The parking area was empty. Not even one car. Everyone is at home enjoying their days off. Good for them.

I walked towards the storage room. Every step I take produces loud echoes.

I opened the storage room door using the key. I got in the room and opened the lights. Not much has changed since I last came here. The shelves in the middle were full of food items. The chillers can barely function with all the meat inside. There were some other boxes on each side of the room. It wasn’t a big room, but it was enough.

I sat down on the ground on one corner and leaned on the boxes. I played my game. I played at least 3 rounds of it. It was an online strategy game.

My eyes never left the cellphone screen. I was too focused on the game.

Then I saw something from the corner of my eye. There was someone near the doors. There was only one door in and out. I can’t see the figure completely because of the shelves in the middle of the room.

My heart stopped. I can’t move. I started sweating. The figure slowly moved towards me, but I cant see all of it. It was moving towards me. If it reaches the end of the shelves and in front of me, I might be able to see what it is completely.

It was moving slowly. I was fixated to it. I cant move.

Then I saw it. It was a man. It was me. It stared at me and I stared at him. I was in shock. My jaw dropped.

It was really me. He looked at me with a straight face. He was exactly like me. He wore the same clothes as me. He didn’t move after that. He just stood there in front me and stared at me.

I got up and went straight to the door and out. I forgot to lock the door. I rushed back to the elevators without looking back, afraid that he was behind me.

As the elevator doors opened, I quickly got in and pressed the button. The doors seemed to close at a very slow phase.

The elevator doors opened and I’m back to the ground floor. I ran towards the restaurant. When I got back in front of the restaurant, I saw him. I saw me, working. How could that be? I wasn’t able to move.

I watched my doppleganger take orders, serve food and interact with the guests.

Then he saw me outside through the glass window panes of our restaurant. I couldn’t hear him but I understand what he mouthed towards me.

“Go finish your game. I got it from here”.

white walls

Shutting down my computer is the best feeling in the world. It can only mean dismissal time. I work the graveyard shift.

It was only two minutes before the clock strikes 3:00 AM. I’m already packed up with my things and I have already tidied up my desk.

There were only two of us in the shift. Greg was the other one. Greg usually stays an hour more to work overtime. Sometimes, even more than 1 hour. Its either he needed the money, or he was very far off his deadline. I’d say the latter.

I said goodbye to Greg. He waved back but didn’t look at me as his eyes were glued to his computer screen.

I clocked out and got ready to start my weekend.

The elevators were still not working. It has been 2 days now. Our offices were located on the building’s 10th floor. We had no choice but to take the stairs. It was good exercise, considering I was sitting on my office chair for 8 hours straight.

There was a pull only door leading to the staircases. The staircase area has that eerie feeling. The white paint on the wall is bland. There are no windows. The only way in and out are the doors on each floor. It feels suffocating inside. I always choose to avoid going here. I’m not claustrophobic, and the area is pretty big. But there’s something about it. There is no sound at all. All you hear are your footsteps.

I started going down. Each floor has a sign indicating which floor I am currently on. I walked briskly. I just wanted to exit this place.

9th floor, 8th floor, 7th floor, I walked on a fast pace each floor I go. I can see the height of the staircases if you look the the small gap on the middle. It looked infinite, both upwards and down.

3rd floor, 2nd floor, 1st floor, ground floor. Finally, I’m at the ground floor. Now, all I had to do is exit the door. But there weren’t any.

I looked around but there weren’t any kind of door. Just the wall and the stairs leading either upwards or down. Maybe it’s on another lower floor. I might confused myself counting each floor I go down to. Or maybe I was in the mezzanine area.

I went down another floor but there still isn’t any door to be found. I began to sweat, and not because of the walking I did.

I knew going down would lead me to the basement parking area. I thought I’d exit there. So I went down another floor. The odd thing was there were no signage indicating which floor I was anymore.

I continued going down until I found an exit door. But I went down 3 more storeys and no door. After the first basement, there shouldn’t be 3 more storeys down.

I needed to go back. But when I turned around to run upwards, the stairs was gone. I can’t go up anymore. I can only go down.

I calmed myself down. Now is not the time to freak out.

The thing that scared me wasn’t the thought that I can’t go back up, or I was stuck in the staircases. It was the bland walls. It had no life in it whatsoever.

I started going down. I was running. After a few minutes, I realized that I am going nowhere. But everytime I go down, the stairs leading up vanishes.

Maybe it was delusion, but I kept thinking that if I continue going down, I’d eventually see a door I can exit.

I got tired and sat down on one of the steps going down. I wiped my sweat away with my handkerchief. Then I saw a signage. I was on the ground floor, and there was a door.

I immediately got up and opened the door by pushing it. There seemed to be something on the other side. I can’t pull the door because it can only be pushed. I can budge the door a few inches. I tried pushing it hard hoping the obstruction from the other side falls down and I can exit. But I noticed, there was nothing there but concrete.

It didn’t made sense. Why is there a door here if behind it was only a concrete wall. I looked back and the stairs were gone.

Now, I’m just in a room with white painted walls and a single white bulb on the middle of the ceiling. No walls, no exhaust pan, just walls.

Where exactly am I? Please, send some help.

say nice things about me because I’m gone

I had to take a deep sigh as I patiently wait for my plane. I have lived here for 23 years. I have never been anywhere else. Here is my home, no matter where I go or live. Here will always be home.

But I have to go. I am not leaving because of the reason they think I have. There is a much more simpler reason: I am leaving to start a new life.

My flight is now boarding. The gates are now opened. Once I enter those gates, there is no turning back. I watch as the people on the same flight as I make a line leading to the gates. I can see the huge plane I would eventually ride in. This is it.

I am leaving home. I followed the line, boarding pass and passport on my right hand.

I called my mom, one last time before I fly. I told her I would see her soon. I already miss her.

Do I really want to leave everthing behind? What exactly am I running away from?

I am running away from mediocrity. Since I became conscious , I knew what I wanted in life are not typical. I aspire to do things not many people want to do. I always knew I was different than the norm.

I wanted fame but not the glamour. I wanted recognition but not the attention. I wanted respect but not the process. I wanted peace but not the isolation. I didn’t know exactly what I want, but I do know that I wouldn’t get it living in mediocrity. I needed to go. Now I remembered why I needed to go.

I am in front of of the flight attendant. She smiled at me but it was forced. She was doing her best. She wasn’t happy, nor was she sad. She was just doing her job. This is exactly what I am escaping from: the grey area.

I gave her my boarding pass. She didn’t ask for my passport. She let me through towards the gates to my plane. I’m all set, just needed to find my seat.

As I walk the boarding bridge, I saw the whole runway of the airport. So many planes docking and departing, so many people coming in and out. I envy them. They refuse to be stuck here, but they also want to be back eventually.

Now, it’s my turn.

As I enter the plane doors, I immediately looked for my seat. It didn’t matter who I’m sitting with, I just wanted to sit down. I got a window seat.

I placed my backpack up the overhead bin and sat down. I saw it, the land I grew up on. I saw the tall buildings from a distance. It wasn’t clear as they were kilometers away, but that is home.

Home isn’t a place, it is memories, sentimental values and feelings. Home is the time you felt safe and secure and care-free. Home is the place whete you see people you love. Home doesn’t have to be a concrete, physical object, it could be ideas and learned lessons. Home is the buildings I see from a distance, because they are a part of the time I spent here. It doesn’t make sense, but it does to me.

The plane got ready for take off. It started moving. It is my first time flying. I admit, I got excited. I always wanted to fly. I hated the idea of reincarnation, because I would hate to be born again in this world. But if would be reincarnated, I would want to become a cloud, so I could be high up and see everything from there. I wouldn’t be afraid because I wont fall down. I don’t have to worry about the problems I have now. I don’t have to find a job I need to love in order to keep my sanity in tact. I don’t need to accept the fact that I may not have kids, that I may not even marry a woman. I don’t need to worry about what to believe in because I don’t know the idea of religion. I don’t need to know who to vote for to be my leader. I don’t need to go get a degree I would not use. I don’t have to think, but I am alive. I want to become a living inanimate object.

Before I knew it, I was up in the air. I looked out my window. I saw it, the island I grew up on. The exact place I spent 22 years of my life on. It is so small. If felt so big when I was there, but up here, it is so small. How can a place that small felt so big and unlimited.

As our plane flew farther away, the more the island got smaller, and after a few moments, it was gone. Now, there is nothing but bright blue sky above the peaceful clouds.

I have now left home. I knew that I wont be back, the me I am this moment. I knew that another me would come back home. A better me.

I just wish they said nice things about me, because I’m gone.

i wish they burned my body

It has been 4,365 days since they buried me. I ran out of things to imagine. I never saw anything but pitch black darkness no matter where I turn my head. They gave me a nice coffin, so that’s one good thing I got going for me. I can hardly hear my neighbour. The thick soil separating us didn’t allow audible sounds to pass through it, but I hear him. I called him Frank.

Most days, he will yell loud. I understood that he was trying to communicate. I doubt he could understand me, but I yell back at him. I told him everything, from my first memory to my last. He became my best friend.

Somedays, Frank wouldn’t even whimper. He would go weeks without making any noise. I still talk to him though. I really just want to pass the time.

I sleep for at least 8 hours a day. Got to keep my body clock in tact. Everyday, I twist my wrist so it wouldn’t get numb. I really couldn’t do much. I have, at least by my estimation, 6 inches between my body and the cover of my coffin.

For 4,365 days, I have never seen anything. For the first year of being buried, lack of oxygen tortured me. I felt like drowning, grasping for air, but the worst part was, no matter how excruciatingly painful it got, it never stopped. I mean, I’m already dead, I can’t die twice.

But after that, I got used to it. Im still breathing. If you could hear me, I sound like an asthmatic person on his worst day. I learned to deal with the pain. I still feel it though, it still hurts, I just learned to deal with it. Don’t ask how, because I honestly don’t know how to explain.

From time to time, I can feel water drip to my body. I assume it was raining heavily outside for the water to go down 6 feet deep. Those are honestly the worst days. I get cold and I was drowning twice. The water would eventually subside after a few days, but the flu gets to me and stays for a week.

I remember one time, during my first year, I wanted to get out so bad, I banged my body upwards to whatever wall there was above me. It didn’t do anything, but it felt good doing something about my situation.

Now, I am just zen. I honestly gave up and accepted the fact that I am here forever. I’m dead so I can’t kill myself to end this, and even if I can die once again, how would I do it? And where would I go? And what difference would it make? I have already proven that there is no after life, just life after death. And that life is a whole lot of nothing.

I can’t move, I can’t see, and drowning doesn’t seem like a plausible way to die once again. So, I just chill around here, waiting for something to happen. Anything, as long as it happens.

Sometimes, I think that someone would take me out here and bring me to heaven or hell. I really dont care anymore as long as I get out of here. Anywhere is better than here.

It sounds crazy but I imagine Jesus himself taking my hand to lift me up and say, “my homie, it’s time to go”. I like to think Jesus was Mexican.

But 4,365 days has passed, and no Jesus. Just pitch black darkness.

If I knew it would be like this, I would’ve asked to be cremated.

thank God I learned to be less needy

The biggest problem I had before was that I was clingy. I crowd the special people in my life with my affection. And I always seem to feel the need to control them, in a way. I shamefully admit that. I was a control freak.

I wanted to be loved too much. I dont know why. I was raised by a loving family, although we dont verbally say it much. We had tremendous amount of respect for each other, and that made me the man I am today. A bit dysfunctional, but we manage to express our love for each other in our own way. My father didnt say he loves me too much, I cant even recall when was the last time he did. But through physical contact, he didnt need to. Through his hugs and advices, I felt his unconditional love.

My mom was the most vocal. By that, I mean she would tell me she loves me at least once a year at most. But I do recall when was the last time she told me the words, and it was only through a text message.

I never told my little brother and sister I love them. But I know that they know that already. We had the toughest love amongst our relatives.

With my friends though, Im the complete opposite. I have been very expressive of my love to them through our group chats. They may think I am joking, but I wasnt. I really love my close friends, I tend to hug them more than I hug my family. Its not impossible that they get the gay vibes on me, but I am straight as hell. Not that I have any issues on homosexual people. Although I admit, I have man crush on plenty of hollywood actors.

Me being a control freak probably started during college. I entered my first serious relationship, and I attached myself to her, in the worst way possible. My day wouldnt be complete without seeing her. If she didnt message me for an hour, I would think something is wrong. I wanted things to go my way. I was so wrong.

Meanwhile, with my friends, I was a natural leader. They go along with my gimmicks. When I wanted everyone to meet up, I meant everyone. I could easily persuade anyone in our circle. That probably was a contributing factor to me being a control freak. I even managed to make my friends do the corniest thing for me when I was trying to win my girlfriend back. And take note, my friends are the most reserved, most shy people you will ever meet. We did something so public, it still makes me cringe everytime I remember it. The things I did for love back then.

When my first girlfriend and I broke up, it broke me. My depression worsened. I had it during our relationship. I was never sober. For two months, I needed to have a drink before ending the day. And even during work, I wanted to sneak in some alcohol. I was always out with 2 of my closest friend. We were always drunk. They were there for me. I love them.

When I had my first break up, I didnt know what to do. For more than 2 years, I depended my happiness and stability to one person. I made future plans, and all included her. I never had any plans for myself. As long as we were together, I was fine. I never imagined my future without her. She was my first love, and it was never meant to last.

I moved on, but only from the memories and feelings. I didnt know about my tendency to attach myself to someone the way I did for her. Then comes my second girlfriend. I still was calling the shots most of the time. That lead to us living in together away from our home.

And as you may have guessed, it also didnt work. But this time, I was the one who broke it up. It was only during after my second break up where I learned how to really be in a committed relationship with someone without being a control freak and learning that, even though we were together, we still had our own individuality. We still needed our own time and space, and we didnt have that. How stupid I am to realize that only when everything is over.

Now, I am alone. Not in a bad way. I love my aloneness now. I have my time and space. And the best part is, I learned my lesson. I could say that I am ready for commitment again, since I know how to really commit, but I dont want to yet. Not that its too early. But because I still enjoy being this free.

The next relationship I will have, I hope it really is my last. I have said it before with my last 2 relationships, but this time, I am planning to act on it rather than say it for the theatrical of it. This time, I know how. Of course, there are still a lot more to learn, but I feel that now, I know the important ones.

Give your partner time and space for their own individuality. Give yourself your own too. Allow yourself to grow your own self, while continuing to grow as a couple. Its not as hard as it sounds if you truly want whats best for each other. It is rather exciting.

the dream that changed his life.

dreams are not real. whatever happens in your dreams are figments of things you’ve done, things you want to do, and things you wish you did.

“Good night”, Riz said to his girlfriend, Ari. They were both lying comfortably under the sheets on their queen size mattress on the floor of their flat.

“Good night”, Ari said, almost whispered. Her eyes cant open anymore due to fatigue gained from a long day at work. She gave Riz a quick kiss on the lips before turning to face the other side opposite of him.

Riz watched her as she turned. “I love you”, he whispered.

“I love you, too”, Ari said, barely uttering the words out of her mouth.

Riz set the alarm on his phone and locked it until it alarms the next day. He then went to sleep.

Riz was sitting on a ferris wheel cab suspended on the very top. He had a clear view of the whole carnival, which was in the middle of a calm urban forest. However, he cannot see far enough to get a view of the city. Beyond the tress were a blur.


The weather was perfect. It was the middle of fall. It was a cloudy day, and the sky was orange. The air was calm and warm. Not too hot, not too cold either. Just perfect, like being cuddled by a thick cotton sheet on a cold room.


The greens from the trees provided a calming balance between the orange sky and forest.

The entire carnival’s noise didn’t seem to reach where Riz was. All he can hear was the quiet breeze of the wind, the chirping of birds, the sound of leaves from trees make whenever the wind gushes into them.
All Riz can do was sit back, and enjoy the feeling. For once, he was truly at a peaceful place. It was too perfect; too good to be true.

“I could stay here all day”, the woman beside Riz said.

Riz was taken by surprise. He didn’t notice there was someone beside him sitting on the same cab on the ferris wheel, much less a woman. He looked at the woman beside him and recognized that it was Rey, a woman he knows.

Riz squinted at Rey while she enjoyed the view the same way he did. He can’t grasp what was happening, why this particular woman was sitting beside him. He stared at her for the longest time, admiring what he was seeing.

His heart was melting. He had always adored her. He was glad to be with her that time. He felt that he could stay there all day, as long as she was with him.

Rey looked at Riz. Her eyes lazy and her smile minimal, but she was smiling and it was a little too obvious. The wind blew her shoulder length hair to her back gently, as if it was in slow motion.

Rey was one of the most beautiful woman Riz ever laid his eyes on, ever since he started to see and register things to his mind.

“So, which ride do you want to go next?” Rey asked.

Riz looked back at the whole carnival at the vantage point they have. He can see everything the carnival has from their seat.

“That one”, Riz pointed at what seemed to be a water ride which goes on a huge circle. It was so huge, he can’t see the other half of it, as it got lost in the forest. But, it goes on a circle, that he was sure off.

It didn’t seem to have any line of crowd wanting to go for that ride. In fact, there wasn’t a lot of people in the carnival that time.

They got down from the ferris wheel. It was as peaceful on the ground as it was up there. There were families, happy ones, that were visiting the carnival that time.

Riz and Rey walked side by side towards the water ride. From time to time, he looked at her and smiled every time, and she looked back and smiled back at him.

For the nth time they looked at each other, she looked at his right hand and grabbed it with her left and held it. Their fingers in the middle of another. They continued to walk while holding hands. She looked at him and gave her the purest smile he has ever seen someone make. There was something about her eyes that says something no words could describe.

Riz suddenly felt a kick in his heart, as if it was stabbed by a cold knife.

“Shit”, Riz whispered to himself. “I’m dreaming”.
He was.

Riz was sleeping deeply in his bed beside his girlfriend, Ari. His eyes that were shut flinching. Then he growled silently. He was dreaming a beautiful one that was turning into a nightmare.

Rey held Riz’s hand tighter. He looked at her, this time, he wasn’t smiling. He then looked at their hands that were firmly gripping each others.

He looked at her again, his face in shock and awe, and his jaws slightly dropped.

“This is wrong”, he said.

The twinkle in her eyes disappeared, then turned to tears. They stopped walking as the world they were in continued moving forward.

“I’m only dreaming”, Riz said as he quickly removed his hand from Rey’s. “This is wrong”.

“What’s wrong?” Rey asked.

“You don’t understand. I have a girlfriend”, Riz said. He struggled to speak as he was trying to cope up with what was happening. His heart was racing fast.

“I know”, Rey said. “But, nothing’s wrong”.

“I shouldn’t be with you”, Riz said. He was now sweating uncontrollably.

“You’re not”, Rey said as she tried to force a smile even with her obvious sadness. “I’m not real”.

Riz looked at her, fully conscious that being with her at that moment was wrong, and that he should stop immediately and just wake up. “What do you mean? I know who you are.”

“We are not real”, Rey said, emphasis on ‘we’.

Unable to utter any word, Riz looked at his surrounding. He didn’t know how he got there. The faces of the people around them weren’t clear, like they were blurred. He was only realizing it now.

Rey held his hand again. He looked back at her, regretting that he was even there.

“You’re only dreaming. You’re not doing anything wrong”, Rey said.

Still unable to speak, Riz let her words sink in. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe normally.

“I’m sorry, if I’m here with you. It’s my fault, not yours”, Rey said.

Riz can hear her clearly, and her words calmed him down. He opened his eyes and saw the calmness in every thing again. He heard the chirping of the birds and sound of the leaves from the trees again. He was able to get his breathing back to normal again. He looked back at his hand which was holding Rey’s.

“You’re going to wake up soon”, Rey said.

Riz looked at her. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid his eyes on. He knew it was wrong for him to feel that way. He knew Ari was beside him, sleeping, in the real world. But he also knew that every thing was only just a dream. And it’s going to end soon.

She smiled at him and it gave him reassurance that everything was going to be okay.

“I’ll be gone soon when you wake up”, Rey said.

By this time, Riz was fully aware that everything was happening in his dream.

You know those dreams which you can barely remember, but leaves an impact on you when you wake up. Those dreams which you don’t know how it exactly started. Those dreams you try hard to remember because it left you an idea. You’re not quite sure what exactly that idea is, but you know something changed in you because of that dream.

Riz was having one of those dreams. It isn’t a nightmare, but it’s something that he knew will haunt him as soon as he wakes up.

Riz looked at the water ride they were supposed to go. This time, he held Rey’s hand and squeezed it gently. He can definitely feel it.

Although still confused, he has accepted the fact that nothing made sense in the dream world he was in. He looked past it now. He didnt want to wake up from it without cherishing the fictitious world. He succumbed to the dream completely.

They enerered one of the small boats of the water ride that follows a flowing current of the miniature lake. The small boat moved forward in a gentle manner.

Riz looked forward on the direction the small boat was moving. Moments later, he looked behind. The two of them realized they were already far away from where they came from. Riz looked forward again and saw a narrow but long tunnel that had a very bright light at the end of it.

Rey leaned her head on Riz’s left shoulder, then held his hand.

“Almost time to wake up”, she whispered.

Riz just smiled. He can physically feel everything: the wind, the sprinkle of water, the smell of the trees and flowers surrounding them, and Rey’s touches. He touched her face and with his right hand. They both looked at each other.

She was beautiful. He brushed the hair in front of her face to her ears.

“I hope I could see you again soon”, she said. She looked forward again and leaned her head to Riz’s once more.

“I wish you knew me”, Riz said. “I wish we knew each other well.”

Rey’s eyes were starting to become teary. “Give me your phone”, she said.

Riz gave it to her. She opened the camera application of his phone. “For you to remember me”, she said.

She extended her arm across Riz’s back. She wiggled herself closer to Riz until they had no distance between them anymore. Her face was inches away from his. Riz looked at her. She was beautiful, and he cant stop thinking about it.

Rey pressed the shutter and saw Riz was looking at her as the picture previewed.

“Why are you looking at me?”, she playfully asked. Riz was still looking at her.

Rey slowly leaned her face towards his as she closed her eyes. Their lips touched each other. Rey gave Riz the firmest and sweetest kiss he ever had. Their lips slow danced together. It felt like forever. Tears run down both of their eyes as they savour the moment. It all felt real for Riz.

Rey finally let go. “This time, look at the camera”, she said.

Riz looked at the camera as Rey took a photo. Both of them smiling. Their smiles said a lot, but no exact words to describe it. Riz wanted the photo to lasts. He hoped that when he wakes up, it was still there.

“I hope I could see you again soon”, Rey said. They both looked forward again as they slowly reach the tunnel entrance. As they slowly enter the tunnel, the light from the end glimmered brightly. Riz closed his eyes as he let the light shine on his face.

Riz opened his eyes. The light coming from the sun through the window shined in his face. He can hear his phone aggressively alarm. It was time for him to wake up and prepare to go to work.

He remembered his dream. He cant comprehend how detailed it was, and how he was feeling at that moment, like something spectacular happened. He stared at his alarming phone, not wanting to move. His heart was racing fast.

‘What just happened’, Riz thought to himself.

He suddenly remembered the photo that Rey took using his phone on the water ride. He immediately unlocked his phone. His eyes struggled to open as it adjusted to the brightness of his phone. He got to the gallery of his phone. He browsed all photo albums, desperately hoping to see the photo of him and Rey. But it wasnt there. How could it be there, when it all happened in his dream. And he knew that. But he still wished it was all true, that all of it happened.

Riz opened his Facebook application. He searched for Rey’s profile. He knew her full name: Rey Brees.

They werent even friends on Facebook. The contents of her profile were private. All he could see was her profile photo. It was her. Rey was really the one he was with in his dream. But the real Rey didnt even know him, but he knew her. He always adored her. But after his dream, he felt that he loved her.

Ari turned her body to face Riz. Riz felt her move. He looked at her face. She was sleeping calmly. He took a long look at her. His feelings for her werent the same anymore.

it is what it is

I am at a very stagnant mood for the last couple of days. It has been since I started to completely accept some things in my life in which I cannot control anymore, things that would not change, things that I ran out of solutions to.

I used to solve all my problems in my own ways. No matter the solution, I feel accomplished. But since I turned 25, that’s when I completely understood the concept of ‘it is what it is’.

Some things are just the way it is. May it be because of my actions, but there are a lot things that I cant do anything anymore. I used to formulate solutions to everything, gives me the sense of hope and pride that I am not just letting things be the way it is. That’s why I overthink. But only now that I realized that some things are best left alone. Let it solve itself.

At first, I hated it. I hated the idea. But come to think of it, once youve accepted that something is already done, its bound to happen, you become more peaceful with yourself. I like that feeling.

I guess I just kinda hate the feeling that I couldve done something about it. But even if I do, nothing would change. All my time and effort wasted for something that would not ever change.

I learned to let go and let life be life. I am still continuing to accept that, but Im making progress.

talking but nothing in particular

I felt this feeling before, the feeling of wanting to talk to someone, nothing in particular, just talk.

Im not sure if I like it.

I dont want to depend my stability to others. I am happy I have someone to talk to, and actually enjoy the small talks, the casual talks, but I always end up making it my day. You know, how it felt while I was talking to that someone.

Ive had numerous casual talks with a lot of people during the time this person and I stopped talking for a while, for reasons I dont know why, but I dont need to know. All those talks really didnt feel the same feeling I have with her. It was stale. It was fun talking to my other friends, especially after a while. It was fun being able to catch up, but there is something about her.

I dont feel something special in particular towards her, maybe just her company. I dont romanticize things anymore, so at least there’s that. There’s that first line of defense I have.

God I hope everything will be fine. I dont want to mess things up. I dont want the good things I have right now to vanish. Ive had plenty of misfortunes before, more than I could handle. I just want to get what I want this time.

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