Its the middle of the night and a sudden wave of sadness hit me. Haven’t felt this for a long time. I hate feeling like this.
I know my triggers though, but it doesn’t really stop what I’m feeling and experiencing. Knowing my triggers only gives me answers as to why these are happening to me. And that’s fine, because sometimes, all you need to know is why its happening.
Due to the pandemic, I can’t help but think what would happen tomorrow. I don’t even want to think about what’s up for me the day after tomorrow. I learned how to compromise, but that doesn’t mean that I should know what to feel towards it. And that’s fine.
There are things we can’t control. And as much as it sucks, we think about what measures can we do to correct it. I don’t have the cure for the current pandemic, but I badly want it to end. All I can do os wait. Normally, people would pray. They put their faith on something or someone that it or they would fix everything. That ship has sailed a long time for me now.
No, I am not an atheist. I do believe in a god, but I don’t see him as the one who solves my problems by communicating with him. But also, I do not feel that I owe him what I have now. I just believe that someone put me here, gave me life that I have full control on. They do not bother me, and I don’t bother them. My morality isn’t based on beliefs, but by choice. I know what’s right and what’s wrong.
Anyways, here I am, about to burst into tears for reasons that are still unclear to me. Or at least, the exact reasons. I am sad now because I kept thinking that things are okay. They are not. I try not to worry because I don’t want people to worry. Because if they are worried, I know I would be worried too. See the cycle? If you see people panicking, it’s hard to keep your composure. So, don’t give them a reason to panic or worry or feel anything negative.
I am a realist and I see outcomes of things based on the actions done before. I don’t sugarcoat situations to make me feel better, but also, I don’t over exaggerate things towards the negative. I see things as they should be, good or bad. Knowing the real answer or reason seems to satisy me. I don’t set my expectations high or low. My expectations are based on the actions made. It’s a gift to have this neutrality, a terrible one.
I wish I was an optimist. I really wish I am. I wish I was a little bit delusional. At least you get to experience a little bit of stability and comfort before knowing an outcome of something.
I wish I don’t know the things I know now, because it causes me headache and stress. I wish I don’t unconsciously think about the future. But I can’t stop even if I want to.
I learned and keep learning how to think about just passing the day. Just get through the current day. Just worry about today, and how can you get a good night of sleep. But I can’t, and here I am.
But maybe, it’s okay to worry about something right away instead of letting it pile up in your head. That way, it wouldn’t be as hard and painful when it gets triggered. Better to wash a piece of dirty shirt alone, than washing a basket full of dirty laundry. But that costs a lot of bleach and water and electricity, that’s why we do it by batch. See, I have to be a realist for that analogy.
This is a sign that I can’t do anything about how my thought process works. Maybe I am better off dealing with my dirty laundry all at once.
But that’s okay. That’s okay.
highest in the room 