Im not talking about suicide. Suicide requires you to be alive, that someone conceived you. People know who you are. You have friends. You made a mark on some people. You have a birth certificate. You went to school. You learned new things. You appear on photos both physical and digital. Someone loves you. Someone cares for you. Suicide is selfish. You are leaving all these things because you cant handle it anymore. Its controversial, I know. I really know it is, because I tried to do it before.
Im not saying these things for sympathy. I hate when people feel sympathy on me. I cannot stress how I hate it. I feel so small when I know that I am being pitied upon. One more time, I hate it.
After my attempt at ending my life I was living, I contemplated. What is my goal when I want to kill myself? To disappear from my problems, my stress, my depression. Its like escaping from a prison. I may manage to escape it, but I will always be pursuited to be brought back there.
I started to hate the thought of suicide, because I thought about the people I will leave behind. I am loved by many people, and I hate to make them feel bad because of my actions. I dont like it when people feel sad because of me. I always want to make things right. And if I did decide to kill myself, I would make my mom, my dad, my little brother and sister, my grandma and grandpa, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my friends from college, high school, old workmates, and the strangers I managed to become friends with throughout the years Ive lived. I dont like them getting sad because of me. The worst part about killing myself is I wouldnt be able to redeem myself.
So, I started to think. I dont really like to commit suicide. I just want to disappear. Like I was never really here. But I cant do that. But I love the idea of it.
The idea of my parents not having me, and not having to worry about me, and simply not knowing me as me. I never would stress about my future and the obstacles it comes along with. I would not be missed if I disappear, because I was never really here. I love that idea. Ive been vocal about this to some special people I met, but I really wouldnt mind just being aborted when I was still in my mom’s womb. I really wont. But we dont get to choose that, dont we?
I wish other semen was faster than me to get to the egg. Im joking but I mean it.
And since I know that wont ever happen, I just learned to accept the fact that Im here. I exist. Better to just make the most out of it, rather than complain.
I never ran out of problems. Im too smart for my own good. Im too smart, I find problems on things that are perfectly fine. I do that. I overthink until I get sad. It sucks. Its a gift I didnt wish I received.
I cant exactly just stop thinking. Its like I decided I stop being me. I cant.
So I learned to control it. I learned to breathe. I learned to ease back on overthinking things. Life isnt a math problem where I need to find the absolute final answer. There is no final answer. I mean, if we die all of a sudden due to an accident, that’s it. No one is smart enough to calculate that. No genius can exactly say when am I estimated to die. I know people who drink and smoke and do drugs outlive people whose only purpose on waking up is to work out. Its true. He was jogging when someone suddenly hit him with a car. I dont know this person personally, we dont even live in the same country, but that doesnt change the fact that a drunken driver killed a healthy man.
I started to value my life. Because I might be having the best time, and I dont want my life to end by then, then suddenly a comet crash into me, ending my existence.
So when Im down, I just think it’ll get better and Id love life by then. Im just waiting for those moments. Because its not a single moment. Happiness is bits of moments. You cant be happy ever after. If youre happy now, it will pass, then you’ll have another down time, but after that, you will have another happy time. Its a cycle. Life isnt like the movies, where happy endings are eternal, unless theres a sequel of course.
I am speaking as a guy who went through depression, and tried to kill himself, then decided to demote my depression to just brief sadness, and after that brief period comes another brief period of happiness. Its the fun part of life, those bits of moments.
If you are suffering from depression, please, if you encounter your brief moment of joy, please enjoy it. Live in the moment. Dont ever think that when you suddenly became positive comes that impending moment of sadness again. As a matter of fact, turn it around. Think that after your current sadness, comes that inevitable moment of happiness, even if it is very brief, it still came, and it will continue to come, and there’s nothing thats going to stop it.
Hang in there, bro or sis! There’s always that brief moment of joy and happiness, and when it comes, enjoy it.
highest in the room 